Groping in the dark.

20 Questions

2011-06-17T22:11:00.005+03:00

I swear @nkirdizzle put me up to this. Yes she did. Oh she is right, we all need to ask ourselves this questions because she is the Bomb dot Com.

What did I learn last week?

· That dreams come true. To dream without fear or restrictions.

· That delayed gratification is better than anything instant.

· To fight evil with good. Not to stoop to evil’s level, slinging shit around. To be the bigger man.

· To trust and love but think independently.

· That if a guy likes you; he will do anything to find and be with you.

· That if it was meant to be it will be, just do your best to be there when it does.

· That a game without rules isn’t a game and it ain’t any fun!

What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?

· Finally meeting Ike (The big Kahuna) and having a rather “successful” meeting with several outcomes and way forwards.

Which moment from last week was the most memorable, and why?

· Obviously having the meeting with Ike. Boy that was something J I wasn’t even a second late. I was well-dressed, polite and composed… but mostly on the outside. Nervous smitten thoughtless wreck inside.

What is the 1 thing I need to accomplish this week?

· To stop dreaming about Ike every second of every minute of the friggin’ day! I am losing my mind over this charming.

What can I do right now to make the week less stressful?

· Focus on things that can get the damn HAWT guy out of my dreams and into my life… I mean just need him out of my head so I can actually get things done. I have real responsibilities you see; work, school, a life, bills, motorbikes and dining tables to buy. I almost forgot to tell you… I went window shopping for…. Wait for it…. A MOTORBIKE!! Boy did I see things that made me want to rob a bank, immediately! Then as if fate was actually urging me on, I bumped into my future dining table.

What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?

· Only Jill Scott knows what I am going though right now, “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep anymore… waiting for love to walk through the door, I wish I didn’t miss you anymore!.. More like I need the old me back; I don’t need this right now, not when I have so many important things going on. Don’t get me wrong I want to free fall and spin out of control but after the music is over someone will be needed to spin back into control, you haven’t the slightest idea how hard that can be.

What was last week’s biggest time sink?

· Stalking Ike on facebook… his photo, I am afraid is my screen saver J I nearly put it as my profile pic J but self restraint won’t let me.

Am I carrying excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?

· Huh? Did I mention how much I like Ike’s eyes, they are narrow, warm, soft, trusting, those that see through into my soul. We could just sit there and stare at each other all day long and I would have a great day still. Wah! Let’s not go the melting smile… where were we?

What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?

· This report, that report, this and that report, the then report, that planning session, those budgets, that trip home, the blogs, the follow up on pending promises… that lunch, those drinks, those job/ school applications and most importantly a Safari. (After much consideration, the SAFARI yanks top position on the priority list… that way everything else will get done, gotta take care of the body.)

What opportunities are still on the table?

· IKE!!! Tim is definitely off limits; we are not even discussing Andrew, Leonardo that is a subject I am always ready to put on the table and devour… wait a minute, what kind of opportunities are we referring to?

· There’s training opportunities all over- definitely taking advantage of those, opportunities to meet new people with great ideas, opportunities with the razor-sharp @justdes, opportunities to travel… hopefully see the world with Ike… I doubt I would see anything with his flyness beside me.

Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?

· I took things a little too far with Valentino, I was a total jerk, ruined everything with my unruly ambition to write a valentine story… oh well, spilt milk. Moving on, c’est la vie. After all, I did call to apologize and felt a lot better but then I guess that will be a no go zone for quite some time. However, V did teach me something important: Commit to commitment!

Is there anyone that deserves a big thank you?

· Yeah that, big time… dude threw me a life line! Problem is my ego is too inflated to let me… but I will do it once I go on Safari, I am a lot reasonable when out seeing the world.

How can I help someone else this coming week?

· I’m helping reverse the effects of climate change, trying even harder to find the cures for preventable blindness and trying to create a literate society. Enough said.

What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years?

· Get married to Ike. Hilarious I know… yeah go laugh somewhere else. I am ready for love. Travel the world with Ike. Honestly, I just want to work with Ike. Learn from him. Learn with him. Have babies with him... if only they would have his eyes.

· Win the lottery. (I am targeting the Utahama Lini? promo by Nation newspaper)

· Do only the things I am passionate about.

Have any of my recent actions led me to closer to my goals?

· Did I not meet the man of my dreams? Am I not sending out the Nation house cut outs? Am I not fighting climate change?

What is the next step for each goal?

· Work hard, be brilliant, till Ike thinks, I want a wife like her!! “Now that is the mother of my children” “This hardworking sharp woman sitting right across me is my life companion” …I can literally visualize him proposing in the middle of a board meeting. “Babes, without you, saving the world is meaningless, will you forever save the world with me?” I hear him say, ring in hand atop the conference table. I being the lady, would tear up and sniff as many yeses as we need to stop climate change J and we would live happily ever after in conferences world over proposing environmentally friendly policies.

· Keep buying Nation newspaper.

· Keep saving the world with Ike, because they are both my passions.

What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?

A date with Ike; apple pie with Ice-cream his favourites.

What are my fears?

· That life will not let me escape unscathed, that life will let me be scarred by relationships, that life will rob me of my infinite beauty, rape my innocence, fill me with bitterness and sorrow, turn me into a pessimist, corrupt the purity of my love, that life will milk the life in me dry.

What am I most grateful for?

· The gift of love, passion, compassion, trust, fidelity, loyalty, morals and ethics, laughter, humility and grace. Things both Ike and I posses and value.

If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with?

Ike! Touring the world, making it a much better place.

I have loved, a worthy lover!

2011-05-12T10:41:00.000+03:00

When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

I recently bumped into one of my favourite poets from the 19th century (Where?? on the streets stupid) and she defined love in a way I hadn't understood before:

Unless you can think, when the song is done,

No other is soft in the rhythm;
Unless you can feel, when left by One,

That all men else go with him;
Unless you can know, when unpraised by his breath,
That your beauty itself wants proving;
Unless you can swear "For life, for death!" -
Oh, fear to call it loving!

Unless you can muse in a crowd all day
On the absent face that fixed you;
Unless you can love, as the angels may,
With the breadth of heaven betwixt you;
Unless you can dream that his faith is fast,
Through behoving and unbehoving;
Unless you can die when the dream is past -
Oh, never call it loving!

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

This judicious definition took me back 4 months ago when I was so distraught over the loss of a man I had grown to call 'distant-lover'

Within me I search words to describe him by

But all I manage, is to cry

I go about my life as though he never existed

Though deep within, he never exited

I never loved another or 'felt' loved by another

so in sync as; he and I together

I will outgrow this someday, to myself I think

But no denying that I am weak

I will need the universe in its entirety at my aid

For I am and always will be afraid

To love, have, give, only to lose, hurt and pain

Unless it is him, that I fall for again

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. With this I am content.

Golf Vs Rugby: Fortuitous Rendezvous II

2011-03-04T10:09:00.001+03:00

Seated beside my date; bored to tears watching other people dance, Leo walked into the hostelry alone looking sizzling hot and not to mention lost (without me I like to think). I spotted him immediately, lit up like a fireball from hell and sprung to my feet to make sure I didn’t lose him.

He hadn't spotted me and I wasn’t about to wait for him to find me in the throng of half-clad ladies-of-the-town flinging themselves at him, so I quickly asked to introduce my date to “some guy” (yeah right!!). Alas, they know each other. “Of course they know each other, bloody little neighbourhood!”, I cursed out loud. Expectedly they sat together, displacing me and started to chat the night away like little school boys, meanwhile I couldn't take my eyes off Leo’s brawny build.

My date was an estimable character; a together young man, lucid and if I may add, a teetotaler- exactly the advert I would put up for a hubby and father of my children. Nevertheless, with a body blazing with undisclosed desires; a sturdy rugby player is the only promising fire-fighter in the room not a golfer with his gentle manners and gloves in tow. Sorry golfers, just saying it like it is (forget Tiger Woods, that is on a whole new level).

As time passed the golfer was getting uncomfortable with the explicit banter between us and like the gentleman he is decided to give us some room, excused himself and started towards the gents. I wanted to stop the madness but I couldn’t; I was utterly helpless and Leo was clearly determined to ruin it for me, not that I minded much. Instead of fighting a war I knew I wouldn’t win, I involuntarily resolved to take pleasure in every fraction of every second he was gazing into my eyes, talking to me, smiling with me and being all jealous.

At that point I had moved seats; I was kissing his clean shaven head (half-bald), playfully teasing him as I whispered into his ear. I was enjoying it so much that I didn’t care my date was a little (a lot) pissed and ready to leave. I didn’t care that we might not take our vacation to Egypt as planned and I didn’t care that I would have a lot of explaining to do… ALL I CARED WAS LEO and that he was motioning to me to plant a kiss on his cheek as my date helped me into my coat.

I would have kissed him anywhere and everywhere without his asking, except that was neither the place nor the time. I would have stayed behind and enjoyed the evening some more, but too much of Leo is without a doubt the death of me. I would have let my date leave without me, except for that night he was my date. I would have stayed and put out Leo’s fire, but my house was an inferno.

I couldn’t have let my date drive me home because he would have asked what that was about and I am sure I wouldn’t have had the correct answers for him. I needed to demystify it to myself first. It goes without saying; I had to get myself a cab, that way I would drive quietly, relive the night with Leo and his evil charm.

If ever there was a passion of my life, this would be the chap. I would never get married to him though, even if he proposed on a romantic candle-lit dinner in tight rugby shorts on a spacecraft, for the simple reason that we would kill each other in passions untold HA!

...or is that what I like to think?

To be continued.

LEONARDO: Fortuitous Rendezvous I

2011-03-01T09:03:00.002+03:00

Forgive me reader for I have sinned, I have hidden an important element from you for quite some time now and if I don’t confess, it will kill me. Why did I hide it? Because I thought it was special, but then again some special seeming things turn out to be fiendishly attractive, special complications.

Sooo Leonardo and I met… not once, not twice but thrice since the last time I talked about him. Before you rush me to the gallows, let me explain: we didn’t plan it, the universe did HA! You know me, I go with the flow, I don’t plan a thing, I hardly think with my head; my notorious heart decides and does on my behalf, I could be in bed one minute and my heart would be in Lokichogio falling in-love fast with a stranger.

No, Leonardo is not in Loki and the reason I haven’t updated my blog is not because I have been busy moving to Loki. But so what if I moved? Ok, ok I hear you, enough beating around the bush:

I bumped into the guy at Sherlock’s Den -Nanyuki Mall.

2. He has a girlfriend

3. We had a series of unusually stimulating gazes and there was a lot of unnecessary touching with our hands (ON the table where everyone could see them.)

4. There were a lot of laughs as the drinks kept coming.

5. We were TIPSY (Totally Inebriated Plus Seriously in Yen) albeit sufficiently sober to keep our lips off each other. Whether we were trying to fool the curious onlookers or we were genuinely fighting temptation is however unclear.

6. We were waiting for our guys to arrive; his girlfriend (funny he didn’t feel the need to brag about her) and my golfer/ photographer well-behaved friend and mentor who has wanted to chips-funga me since Red cross-Meru back in 2009.

7. We discussed motorbikes (as expected) and I was mortified for the lies I had told at our first meeting… Yep I confessed, why? Because I’m not a –good- liar and I thought this would be special, who isn’t attracted to an honest gorgeous lass. Did I mention we have trust issues? I am mentioning now, serious ones.

8. He gave me his number this time (and I had nothing to do with it-a block of TRUST built right there.)

9. He never called… or maybe he did, but it never went through because I don’t live in Loki and Loki has fickle signal. (This is what I like to think. Why? Because I sorta want to believe there is something here.)

10. I never called… but once, with a hidden ID (Lame!! I know) I wanted to wish him a Happy New Year, he didn’t pick, phewks!

Things stayed that way and I gave up on us, completely forgot the jamaa and even dated other people. Months later…

To be continued in Part II of this series.

My clandestine Valentine

2011-02-22T09:56:00.009+03:00

All I am saying at this stage is… there was a side-splitting play, lots of wine, a splendid sunset, floating away on a pond, great lighting, lots of small talk, a bit of walking, great art gallery with beautiful pieces to boot and right where I couldn't pronounce ‘silhouette’ was a straight out of the movie shut-up-and-kiss-me moment… whether it happened or not, is however irrelevant.

Now let’s jump to the after effects; I woke up the following morning to soundless music, the coffee mugs dancing on the shelves, pancakes swaying their hips on the pan and “um… um is my coffee SPEAKING to me?” Funny thing is, there was nothing telling in the silky morning air, but love was definitely laced on the sun rays piercing through the leaves of the enormous fig tree outside my kitchen window. As the warmth hit and spread throughout my face, I couldn’t ignore the images in the azure sky partially in hiding, images of a seraph thrilled by the sound of the Nyatiti playing “My moving home” in a dialect I couldn’t comprehend. The hilarity brought about by the costume-clad chaps under the bright lights of the stage tickled the Seraph much to my amusement and I never had such a lovely time watching a stranger laugh so hard, never.

This being is, easily the most fine-looking thing I have cast my eyes on in a long time, their laugh so gentle, stature so elegant, impeccable eloquence, exudes positive energy from every pore on their skin… incredibly erudite and did I mention that they look not a day older than 27 years but is as wise as a sage and as composed as a harp haha! (he is so beyond fine that I not only need the Englishmen to sit and create me an adjective for this person but also for Shakespeare to resurrect chap-chap for we have work to do!).

Unable to withstand the intensity and the blinding glow of the moment I turn away and smile with my heart albeit not furtive enough to cheat the woman in the kitchen busy brewing the coffee. Both the woman and the kettle are wearing a knowing smile, I can see their faces, the mischief, their asking lips twisted into a question that I am not ready to answer, no I will not dare say a word. For I have not the response. At this point, I take a swig of the dark fluid sitting motionless in my cup and resist the swallow if only to keep the secrets of the magic of the previous night from spilling.

Walking out hurriedly, index finger wagging behind me the woman in the kitchen is caught in a stutter “…I was just going to ask if you want some cream with that,” she lies out loud supporting her weight with the door frame. I can tell she is genuinely happy for me; she can’t thank heavens enough that I 'finally' healed the wounds of a disappointing and daunting past. She is holding back the excitement lest I slip back into the morbid habits of video games, slothfulness and suicidal imbibing. She blows me a warm kiss, full of a mother's affection , still I'm not telling.

The couch holds out its warm loving arms to receive my bony frame, he has been with me through the dark days of nursing a broken strange-muscle and I can tell he is over the moon that I didn’t walk in with a slab of cheese, a box of Kleenex and a bag of cheerios. The way he sinks back as my buttocks find a comfortable spot sounds more like a sigh of relief than anything else, I pat him gently and whisper, “It’s over buddy. The days of grief I mean.” I could swear I heard a muffled chuckle.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have got to stop right this minute before I jinx this any further and also because I need to pencil in lunch for coming weekend.

That would be all :-).

X-mass Attack!!

2010-12-22T16:32:00.017+03:00

The typical me starts feeling X-massy in September, by October I have saved and shopped for gifts, by November whatever bookings that needed to be made have been made, recipes have been downloaded/ stolen, invites to partners in crime have been sent and mum has been briefed of my itinerary. Leaving nothing to chance, everything is set and ready to roll by 20th. That is how much I love X-mass.

That is why yesterday I was panicked and caught in a frenzy decided to call Santa... because I had a feeling, Daddey had dumped me. Okay, it was 21st of December and NOTHING was ready, I wasn't even ready; I definitely needed extension of time to patch things up and get my X-mass mojo back. See, I haven't been exceptionally good and I expected nothing less from Santa... clearly I had underestimated.

Me: ...ex-communication, really?? Santa, you have gone too far. Don't you think you are overreacting?

Santa: No No No!

Me: Even a little?

Santa: No No NO

Me: C'mon dude... could I have been worse than Lynne who kicked Jimmi out of her bed coz he was undergoing some post-traumatic stress you-know-where after they terminated his contract at work? or YY who has been having sex like a man? or Jumwa who is explicitly living and sexing 3 younger dudes in the name of sub-letting her bedrooms. C'mon sexy Santa, re-consider.

Santa: No No No

Me: You know what, you are a selfish imbecile and an overgrown baby in red diapers. If you are going to punish me for spinning out of control every weekend, with Mr.Alcohol and my life companion, then go ahead. But remember I am the one who never gave in to Mr. I-will-dump-my-girlfriend-as-soon-as-I-sleep-with-you, and I am still the one who (eventually) regained self restraint after flashing boobies on Skype a couple of times...

Santa: A couple????!!! Those were over **** times!! As far as I'm concerned it was a fully fledged scandalous affair with no limits whatsoever...

Me: Ok paps, lets not go into details... oh and never mind I was the one who got dropped from cloud-9 just when I was about to man-up and finally tell Funny boy how I actually felt.

Santa: Oh shut up!! You coward you... you were never going to and you know it.

Me: As I was saying, I am also a great albeit silent supporter of NO TO HOMO.... PHOBIA campaigns because I believe in ALL Human rights, and may I take this opportunity to say 'Good Job' to Muthoni Wanyeki the Executive Director KHCR and Esther Murugi, Special Programmes Minister for boldly stepping out to protect the rights of the minority. Forget my ulterior motive, at least Benjy and his boyfriend will (hopefully soon) comfortably kiss in the swimming pool and I can finally OPENLY brag about our shopping sprees...

Santa: Yeah yeah but whats in for me?

Me: um um... I will share their steamy fantasies with you Daddey :-)

Santa: Ho ho ho Brilliant! Not enough though, you need to commit at least 3 random acts of kindness before sun down if you want to have a proper X-mass.

Me: C'mon daddey...

Santa: No other way.

Me: DEAL!!

That is how I woke up with an X-mass attack, in high spirits, took a looooong shower (read extra 10 litres down the drain), helped eat (Not cook) pancakes and found myself being very kind to 3 beautiful girls who needed my help + I ordered lunch for me and the rabid HOT plumber. Talk of hitting three birds and a bonus with one stone! Seeing as the bible is very clear on; "let not the right hand know what the left does.." I am forbidden to narrate my acts of kindness, in other news though- Lunch was pepper Haat *wink*.

This festive season commit all sins, and most importantly commit a few random acts of kindness.

Merry X-mass to you and yours!!

PS: Remember, don't drink and drive accidents kill and don't drink and park accidents cause babies... just hail a cab :)

Nundies and Braless.

2010-09-16T22:17:00.005+03:00

Since you ReAly want to know, i will tell you why i am not wearing any underwear tomollow ;).

So I was driving down the other day and picked up a hitchhiker, isn't that what you do when driving on a deserted road? at least in this part of the world it is. We would have driven on quietly like proper strangers, not disturbing each others peace but no, his chatty drunken mouth wouldn't let him. I didn't mind (much) coz i knew my tyres weren't so good and was sure as hell i would get a puncture. In the event that that happened i would need a pair of masculine arms to handle the jack (and what is that other stuff you need to fix a burst *starts to google*)

Half way and a very heated convo later (you know how it is when one party has imbibed a little too freely ) one thing led to another... it rained, my car got stuck and the possibility of spending the night in the bushes was imminent . The guy being a good samaritan (as they all are, until they are not ) helped to push but later demanded payment for services offered (??)

Now, 'scratch my back and i will scratch yours' is when you push a car that had given you a FREE ride and which is to later get you to your destination aka FARE, its there in the dictionary, look it up... next to Fcuk you. See when i refused to buy chai the pea-brained bushman decided to pay himself with my hard earned mbesha which he thought he'd get access to by stealing my shoulder bag, only my wallet wasn't there. Instead bugger got away with all my newly aquired under garments.

And that is the heartrending tale of how, after throwing out the tattered rags, I now have no knickers until the next time I see a shop (several days I'm afraid).

PS: Be wary of muggers eyeing your underwears this weekend. Deuces.

The party that was.

2010-09-12T23:14:00.005+03:00

That I only write about boys in this Blog is false and doesn’t paint me fairly, I mean, I am not boy-crazy and its not like I don’t have any girlfriends. Ok, that is not entirely true; I am boy crazy, which is a little odd for my age –but I like to think of it as a phase that I sort of skipped in my teens :). Then I was too busy hating men and was obsessed with motorbikes, salsa and had just discovered HELLO magazine which left me zilch time for the lads.

So I had a farewell party to attend and was wondering, who to take with? Normally the usual suspects would make do but this outfit has become too small and needs re-designing and a bit of colour. The usual suspects are basically the girlfriends whose bad manners I have grown to tolerate and because I was allowed only +3 this is how I decided who to take.

Martin; my not so secret admirer was feeling a little below the weather, so a little crowd to cheer the bloke sounded like a plan. Since my dreams of joining the jet-flying forces crashed and burned I feel fulfilled hanging around pilots. In the past I have entertained the idea of aviation until the inseparability of physics and aeronautics became apparent. Damn you Mr. Rono for making the subject so incredibly hard to grasp. All I remember was this teacher’s rotting chest skin that oozed puss… where were we?

Neema; I had met her the other day through a mutual friend and she seemed like a ball of fun. She is charming, blessed with the gift of the gab, makes jeans, boots and checkered shirts look stylish, and boy the husky voice- mama mia I want to know this woman. That she curses worse than a sailor and smokes a train is tolerable.
The only other jeans-boots wearing woman I want in my circle would be Dr. Manji, the coolest researcher I ever met and as soon as I upgrade my status in academia I will invite her for coffee and intelligent chat about the endangered Patas monkey.

Samantha was out largely because these days she is Sam&Ocampo. Never alone. I actually enjoyed their company until I didn’t. Ocampo the fiancé is hitting on me. It started out as a funny joke then his groping hands found my bum; yes some men are just gross. I have no intentions of telling her so don’t even go there. Experience has taught me different, things like these backfire on the victim and I don’t play ‘my word against yours’ his words. I’ll figure something out before they walk the aisle, I hope.

Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all? Jamie! She is the ultimate boy magnet without a doubt, so beautiful and funny that our table often flocks with men of all tastes, shapes and sizes much to my delectation: I always land one of her cute rejects. Don't give me that look? Don’t you already know how I suck at getting me a decent man?
Anyhoo Jamie couldn’t make it for she needed the kind of TLC only the beau can provide, it had been a looong Ramadhan.

Lastly, every pathological social climber needs a Serena a.k.a the directory of the Rich and Famous. Anyone interesting I want to meet she almost always has their contacts and thanks to her invites I have thoroughly enjoy hobnobbing with the who-is-who and glad to report that my social life is so vibrant its bad. To return the favour I invite her to my usually far apart drab gatherings which surprisingly she loves because she can take a break from toxic make-ups, speak imperfect English and carouse to the ground.

It was a wonderful send off for our friend until I absentmindedly agreed to go for Rumba night with the gang, NEVER again. Two songs and I was ready to blow my brains out. But in an interesting twist of fate I run into Funny-boy… great company. I haven’t quite established what he feels for me and I’m not sure I want to find out, just yet. Comes as surprise even to me that I should be the cautious one.

PS: For the damn bunnies that read this page: I haven’t altered the names and events herein. This is a recount of my life as it were :)

These words were mine 2.

2010-08-16T01:45:00.001+03:00

This is how I know I have lost my mind, when I sing ‘Mariah Carey – I can’t live’ in earnest
No I can’t forget this evening or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that’s just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows, yes it shows
No I can’t forget tomorrow when I think of all my sorrow when I had you there but then I let you go
And now it’s only fair that I should let you know, what you should know
I can’t live when living is without you, I can’t live I can’t live any more
Can’t live when living is without you I can’t live
I can’t live anymore.

This situation right here is a little recent and thus raw, pardon me if I don’t tell much.
…I want you the right way/ I want you but I want you to want me too
I want you to want me just like I want you… (Who sang this song? I forget)

Dear ‘Funny boy’
Since we rubbed feet under the table at that dinner, I haven’t slept much,
Thoughts of you ceaselessly torment me,
Images of you won’t give mine mind any calm,
Possibly it was a fleeting instant,
Perhaps the booze fogged up our judgment,
Or maybe it simply was what it was,
A moment,
OUR moment (breaks into song… a moment like this some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this oops! Wrong song)
I don’t know what to think, or what to make of it,
I just pray you have trouble getting shuteye too.
With love,
Xx.

Marc Anthony- You sang to me
I just wanted you to comfort me when I called you late last night you see
I was falling into love; yes I was crushing into love
Oh of all the words you sang to me about life the truth and being free
You sang to me/Oh how you sang to me
Boy I live for how you’ll make me feel/ so I question all this being real
Coz I am not afraid to love / for the first time I am not afraid to love
Oh this things** made for you and me /and you showed me what life needs to be
And you sang to me /oh you sang to me
All the while you were in front of me I never realized
I just can’t believe I didn’t see it in your eyes
I didn’t see it /I can’t believe it /oh but I feel it
When you sing to me
How I long to hear you sing beneath the cute blue skies
And I promise you this time I’ll see it in your eyes
I didn’t see it /I can’t believe it /oh but I feel it
When you sing to me

Just to think you live inside of me/ I had no idea how this could be
Now I’m crazy for your love/ I can’t believe I’m crazy for your love
The words you sang you sang to me and you showed me where I wanna be
You sang to me/ Oh you sang to me
**violin**

Jason Mraz –I’m yours
… I reckon it’s again my turn, to win-some or learn some
I won’t hesitate no more, no more/It cannot wait /I’m yours

Well open up your mind and see like me/ Open up your plans and damn you are free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love
Listen to the music at the moment maybe sing with me/ I love peaceful melody
It’s your god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved
So I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait / I’m sure/There is no need to complicate / our time is short/ this is our fate /I’m yours
*insert beautiful guitar chords*
I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass and So I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I am saying is there is no better reason to reach yourself a vanity and move with the season
Our name is a virtue.

Saum Maqbul

2010-08-16T00:20:00.002+03:00

So it’s a month-long of fasting for our Muslim brothers and sisters, I don’t have many of those which is a shame considering how culturally and religiously tolerant I am. The idea of fasting is very noble but a practice I cannot successfully uphold… the number of times I have fasted can be counted on my hand, among them: the two times I needed a miracle, to pass my end of year exams having done zero reading and to get a visa. Suffice it to say I made the deans list and Toronto had me for a guest… maybe I should fast more, hmmm maybe what I need is a fasting partner to make the going easier.

I know one sizzling-hot friend… and all I want to do is be the devil and tempt the sexy out. Yes I deserve hell-fire, I know!!!

Wish me luck!

How I was on holiday.

2010-08-15T21:53:00.006+03:00

I hardly ever go on holiday,first because the ATM laughs when I ask for a loan second all the R&R itches. It’s a shame but I am the anxious kind that doesn’t sleep soundly unless it’s on my desk, pen in hand and head on the keyboard (feel free to confuse this with industriousness). I only remember two ‘successful’ vacations where I had fun: Camping in Naivasha because it was a convenient 3 days buzzing with activities; arrive on a Friday afternoon, peach tents and bond with team, work the following day, ditch team and party till dawn with strange campers (wild KQ flight attendants; very good memories of Ms.Martini-ed meeting Mr.Martin). Sunday: Mini-hike, sample great cuisines, shop for souvenirs, visit to the spa, take pictures and sleep all the way back home.

Shortest holiday ever, Mombasa ’08: footloose and fancy free, end of exams, nursing a breaking heart, blotto- 7 days straight! Between one Wednesday and the other I remember three things: Blinding music and blaring lights, drinks and tattoos, hookahs and BEEEEAACHHes + stolen moments. Only one negative thing: someone swapped my ATM card with a bagful of beachwear that I never wear!

Recently it so happened that I had a change of jobs (again), at my age and with a devil-may-care attitude occupation-status change before you can say Jack Robinson. Betwixt clearing from one and reporting for the other, a week of being glued-to-the-couch-purposeless emerged. To many this would be perfect time for a holiday and that’s why I welcomed it arms wide open. This time nothing from the Wild West, just I and Mr. Couch, a stack of movies, face-book, a real-book, PS, quick stop at the salon and lots of dessert (Thanks to all the celebrating Leos). Seriously, without desserts there would be darkness and chaos.

I had doubts I would last the week, but drinks with Steve, the twins’ birthday, Karaoke with Ben, endless phone convos with Tim (about his real vacation in Maui) made it bearable. Body is all rested -almost developing bed sores-mind is fresh, and morale is high.

Tomorrow it’s back to the grind and I am not too sad.

These words were mine.

2010-08-12T10:59:00.005+03:00

After I started on this blog; about all the songs I know word for word, I had an after- thought: how lame is that, no one will ever read it, and then I got this inspired notion… all the lyrics I know by heart I know for a reason, never mind the magnitude. Some I fell in love to, some I broke my heart to, some I just memorized while others I want to play on my wedding day (If that ever happens. I took a quiz on facebook that said I’ll get hitched at forty, drat! The future is bleak.)
I always say what a hopeless-romantic I am and this article might just be the demo :D. The words in these lyrics were pulled right out of my mouth.

PS: I was too lazy to download the original lyrics so I just wrote them as they sound in my head.

This first song is how I want my husband to love me. Not that I am married or anything, though I have this WEIRD feeling that I will, one day (at forty or thereabout) to a handsome man of average height whose name will be Thompson. He will be an older man in his early 70s, hale and hearty , full of life, bursting with mirth, wise as a sage, sexy as fcuk and of Italian origin (hopefully, so I can name our daughter Italia, live in Italy and have lots of Tiramisu). How deluded I must sound :)
Give it up for, Brad Paisely with “Then” or I thought I loved you then (!?)

I remember trying not to stare the night that I first I met you/ you had me mesmerized
And three weeks later on the front poach light/ taking 45 minutes to kiss goodnight
I hadn’t told you: that I thought I loved you then

Now you are my whole life/ now you are my whole world
I just can’t believe, the way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it’s ever been
We’ve come so far since that day and I thought I loved you then

I remember taking you back to right where I first met you/ you were so surprised
There were people around but I didn’t care/I got down on one knee right there
And once again I thought I loved you then

I can just see you with a baby on the way/ I can just see you when your hair is turning grey
What I can’t see is how I’m ever gonna love you more/ But I have said that before
We’ll look back some day at this moment that we are in and I’ll look at you and say:
And I thought I loved you then.
********************************
At least every little girl I know has that little neighbor boy Keeve or Nash or Nazeel or Baus or Robin or Fidel who made her little heart thump fast, the one you couldn’t explain what you felt for coz they pushed you hard to the ground and ignored you all in the name of love. Yes the one you’d never admit to liking and would go to great pains to stay away from lest the entire class/ neighborhood started on the dreaded never-ending chorus “Stacy has a boyfriend”. The one who would make you run for the school bus to catch the seat next to his favorite so your hands would touch every time the driver hit the brakes.

With time these little boys grow up, Nazeel turns out to be that local drug dealer that no mother wants near their children and you wipe your brow and say “phewks, dodged bullet.” Baus being Baus and Hindu becomes very hard to relate to, what with everyone prophesying how you’ll never be married let alone live happily ever after. Inside, you’re glad he has a spine and is willing to fight for your love but slowly he folds along conventional lines and while at some far off boarding school ditches you for a certain Punjab girl. You are pleased to hear they didn’t last long.

Keeve turns out to be that asshole that sent you that ONE love letter in high school, poem in tow, professing his undying love only to hear that Madea and Lornah got copies as well, how special!

Fidel doesn’t get much of an education and ends up in the police department. You thank your lucky stars for his lack of ambition when you are charged with a DUI and he comes to your rescue. At the next ‘babes gone wild’ you offer to be the designated drunk driver. Isn’t that what friends are for?

Robin, the one who got away, matures into the typical knight in shining Armani but disappears into thin air right before you lay your hands on him, no one knows his whereabouts and neither facebook nor the obituaries can confirm his existence.
This following song captures the air around my Nash who grew up to be this genius of a guy and even though it didn’t quite work out, I like how warm and electric it feels when we meet.

Love story by Taylor Swift
…See you make your way through the crowd and say hello
Little did I know that you were Romeo
You were throwing pebbles and my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase begging you please don’t go
And I say Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I’ll be waiting, all we got to do is run
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess
This is a love story baibe just say yes.

I got tired of waiting wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading, when I met you on the outskirts of town
And I said Romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, I know what you’re thinking knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said
Marry me Juliet you never have to be alone I love you and that’s all I really know
I talked to your dad go pick out a white dress this is a love story baibe just say yes.
**** Cont'd...

Madly, Crazy, Helplessly in search I.

2010-07-24T18:02:00.015+03:00

Its been months since I've had any romantic activity which explains the long abscence of posts, partly I've been busy; glad to report that career front is doing good what with potential employers responding to my resume with words such as "impressive" and me phone buzzing incessantly with strange callers and emails inviting me for interviews or seeking more details about my experience. Largely however, I have been pretending not to look for love in the hope that it finds me instead :-D. So between lots of travelling on the job, our overall boss being fired for embezzlement and trying to fix my hair I have had interesting parties (most memorable- Vicars and Tarts), met interesting people and had several backfired attempts at romance.

Where to begin?

Jon the banker

On my way to make bookings for a training we had I bumped into a guy on the parking lot of the hotel who warmly said hello and got my attention. Not wanting to chance losing a possible love of my life I hunt him down through contacts and 2 months later, voila! As fate would have it Jon the banker and I had a major fall out on the very day we meet (something to do with me being overexcitedly crazy and him wondering who sent this lunatic my way) I am not sure I will ever be able to use over the counter services at the bank ever, forever condemned to ATMs.

Leonardo the Presbyterian.

In part the Vicars and Tarts cocktail is still fresh in my mind because a certain Mr. Leonardo intrigued me soooo much I had to lie about myself, well at first it went well as it made for good conversation and being a costume party you would get away with lots of white lies. HECK he was a presbyterian and I a whore (!), I obviously didn't get the cue to drop the fantasy-living when we started discussing our interests and began showing our motorbike survival scars. I never had a fatal motorbike accident until that night :-D oh and I had a deathly scar to show for it, oops! is that the scar I got from a twig scratch when I was ten playing hide and seek? My bad. As you may have guessed the lies didn't last long enough to have phone numbers exchanged and if they did I doubt he'd call. Fair enough!

After recovering from the humiliating banker-moments and the presbyterian cock-up I vow never to make the first move, I'll leave the hunting to men as nature intended, sit pretty and play easy prey :-)

Antonio the journalist

I have to admit, being hunted is such a sweet (victorious even) feeling ...only when the hunter is something you'd be remotely interested in. I can't believe I drove 20 minutes in the middle of the night risking it all to meet a Rick-Ross look a like, Gawd! what was I thinking?!It however wasn't a total loss as I ended up liking his friend more and driving back that night I was glad Antonio went into all the trouble to find my number and win himself a mid-night date, thats how I want to be hunted :-)

The Monday that killed the weekend.

2010-03-04T15:06:00.005+03:00

I have on my coffee table a 200pg report that needs not only to be read and understood but also to be analyzed. On my desktop sits a folder full of raw information begging to be thoroughly read, organized and summarized into a 3 page dossier on a subject I would normally care less about (Anthrax). On my office desk at work lays a 13page report needing to be typed by yours truly. Strewn on my dirty beige carpet are newspaper clippings of job-adverts with just around the corner deadlines. Somewhere on this couch, trapped between my bony bottom and the cushion is my mobile phone incessantly buzzing and trilling; messages to be replied, phone calls to be returned , emails to be read and reminders either to do this or that. On my kitchen table is a pile of bills all calling for some kind of attention which I can’t look into right now because as you may well know bills come in before the check from your employer. Why is that anyway? I’m sure the universe has an explanation.

All of the above messy shyt needs to be sorted by Monday; that is the day after tomorrow and that is also why I am home at 10a.m, in pajamas on a bright sunny Saturday! Normally, I would be out riding in an old, small but amazing Suzuki with my new friend Chuck (who thinks driving at 140kph on a wet road without safety belts is pretty adventurous- I agree) or out in the market trying my hand at the grocery business or whatever it is organized people do over the weekend. However, its urgent that I put my life together or soon you’ll be hearing from an in-between-jobs-30-year-old who lives with her mother!

Procrastination is one of my numerous impediments to a joyous weekend and the reason I have the 200pg report I borrowed from a private library 2 weeks ago in order to be well prepared for an assignment coming up soon and probably the reason I am writing this unimpressive article just to avoid looking into the report. I need to be well read not so much because I love working on projects I know nothing about but because I need the remuneration to offset the above mentioned bills. That I am jobless is the reason I am unable to pay my bills and the reason you will read this and other articles long after they were written seeing as my internet connection was recently disconnected (just incase you were wondering, it was a staggering amount, that my monthly allowance couldn’t easily offset).

Regarding the 13pg typing job; this is my lame attempt at being likeable at the office so I take up the typing job though I know I’ll be unable to finish it because I am already swamped. Why I would do that is because I am aiming at Intern-of-the-year award, we are talking future prospects. What are the chances they will miss me after I am gone? Miss me so much that when I throw in an application for a job the boss will rule in favour of, yes, me! Ok that is my game plan, which officially renders me a buttpecker! No other way.

So now to the 3pg-Anthrax-dosier, well, that is supposed to sort out another aspect of my life which I tend to ignore but is equally important seeing as I don’t want to end up as the old-cat-lady who left ALL her wealth (don’t forget hard earned from a successful career) to her 67 assortment of cats (I hate cats and reptiles, mostly reptiles). Well, not a single dime to charity because she is bitter at her choices; strange how this epiphany comes at a point where she can do absolutely nothing to the situation! Ok, back to the point, Anthrax! I mean Chuck, this nice awesome guy I met a while ago, and I know I said he is my friend but that’s what he thinks I have a different strategy. Don’t give me that look; it’s hard to find love. Sometimes it calls for one to create a situation for love to happen. Shoot! Now I sound like the women who trap men, whatever! Story for another day.

And that brings us to the abrupt and untimely end of this funeral, R.I.P Mr.This Weekend, you will be missed. Hope to catch your bro Mr. Next Weekend, I have a good feeling *wink*.

Ps: This post was unearthed from my offline blog. Dated October 24th 2009. FYI: I have become more organised (the magic, as i found out is not in being less engaged, it is in not procrastinating) and Chuck turned out to be sadly, a JERK! yeah.

Let's get retarded.

2010-02-28T03:27:00.005+03:00

Only a retard would think like this!

See they always tell you to be and think positive, about everything whether good or bad. So for a long time it was hard for me to do the positive thing and I would wallow in self pity for days on end with absolutely no effort to pick myself up. Over the years though, I met people who have marveled me with their almost miraculous ability to bring themselves up even after life-changing things happen to them. While I was busy being there for them mopping and being sad, they were lifting their spirits and turning their misery around. In no time I was the one caught up in their past while they had long moved on (how ironical). In the recent past quite a number of things have gone awry (so much for being a staunch control freak) and in the process shook a lot of things I have based my faith and basically my whole life on. Normally when such things happen you kinda get depressed and become a loser or you take what life throws at you and make lemonade as they put it.

This time round, instead of slipping into depression I decided to try this positive approach/law of attraction thingy just to see if it works and prove them wrong, so I told myself. Truth is I was desperate for anything that would make it better and from my interaction with people I knew better than to allow myself to sink into the deep seas of misery. Let’s take a look at how it worked for me:

Were it not for the strike that my university had, I would not have been home for four months looking for attachment/internship, I would never have gone to the many firms I went to job hunting only for them to decline my request prompting me to seek work at this other org which I was sure would never have taken me in since it was a satellite office working on a new project that I knew absolutely nothing about. *breathe* As you may have gathered, after a few cancelled meetings I was able to get in-touch with some fellow from the office who felt his docket could use an assistant and that is how I landed my internship.

It later turned out that the guy who helped me get my internship did not do it in accordance to the laid down procedure and was thus at loggerheads with the overall boss leading to my state of uncertainty which also made me push my alleged supervisor to formalize my internship or else I would just quit (not like that would in anyway affect him but it felt good to let him know that I will not be used; not to say he wasn’t using me already). Him taking his sweet time to sort out the issue led me into doing some other application which led me to some office which I was later so grateful I went to, not that I got the job but I sort of scored in another area of my life that needed a little fixing so to speak, I have been single for the past two years! If that doesn’t qualify for/as chronic singlehood I don’t know what does!

I guess what I’m trying to say is; I ‘think’ I met a guy who is making me very happy! No details, besides the fact that we are taking it slow and that it feels really good to have someone I can talk to and who most importantly thinks I am funny. I might have not mentioned this before but I am very insecure about what people think about me, big problem if they think I am not funny! What good am I if I can’t make you laugh? My stint as the entertainment captain/comedian in high school is definitely to blame. Anyone who doesn’t laugh at my jokes is perceived as an unpleasant authority, courtesy of my dad who thinks my kind of funny is rather unfunny, oh well, he doesn’t know what he is missing. Whatever happened in his childhood to make him that way is beyond me.

Ps: I dug out this blog from my archived- offline blogs. It was dated, July 2009. 8 months down the line and he still laughs at my jokes, FYI.

TELLING IT AS IT IS- The Electra Complex.

2010-01-14T15:58:00.000+03:00

I am going to begin by declaring that I am an optimist in every sense of the word and that I know of individuals in relationships that are not headed anywhere; they have so much faith in themselves, their partners and their unions that they believe everything is possible (first, lets agree that according to nature, not everything is possible irrespective of the numerous possibilities in existence) and that one day things would change for the better. What these people will learn later (others when it’s too late) is that things may never change in the union but that doesn’t necessarily mean that things in their love life will never take a positive turn. Often people miss this point by tying themselves down to one person and one situation without exploring other options. That is where we fail.

Please do not get me wrong, I am not saying take to the hills at the slightest sign of trouble, no. Stick it out if you have to but be wise and flexible enough to pin point a good deal or when you are being taken for a ride. Trust me, it’s for your own good that you keep evaluating your union and be open enough to self criticize while at it- it’s quite healthy to kill the ‘you’ that stops you from growing.
If you are one of those people who posses faith that moves mountains I do not blame you… hope is very important in life and love –so it’s allowed. Now, as much as it’s ok to believe that things will be ok we also have to be critical and level headed when we approach certain things especially those whose consequences we have to live with for a long time.

My friend Lucas was beginning to wear me out with his never-ending tales of brawls with his girlfriend of two years, so I decided to take up the matter seriously and for the first time stop pretending to care and actually try to help. I am not by any qualifications or otherwise a relationships or marriage counselor but as a friend it is expected of me (more like an obligation) to be there as the shoulder he can freely cry on and as his eyes... maybe because love is blind, I don’t know. Of course this was against my policy of ‘non-interference’ when it comes to lovebirds, but I did it anyway… if only to save my besotted friend from the misery that is his love life. Talk of trying to save a sinking ship! I see you raising your eyebrow and wondering out loud what kind of a pal I am, well, I am the good kind, you’ll see why.

This twosome doesn’t seem to get along at all and in my quiet moments I cannot help but wonder how they found each other let alone what the attraction was, its however irrelevant to the direction we are steering to so lets drop it for now. I never really liked the girl but not like it matters because I am being totally unbiased here (really). Believe me when I say this chic is strangely out of kilter and from her account of her six previous relationships its hard to tell why she never once found a relationship she could settle for. Its just amazing how they keep fighting… day in day out and most astonishing is the things they come to blows over… small things! I mean, why should we slap each other with the ‘cold treatment’ for days on end just because I won’t place the socks in the laundry basket or because I didn’t arrive home at exactly half past five as agreed. As if my boss or the traffic jam cares why I have to be home on time. So the story that broke the Carmel’s back (I being Carmel) is when Lucas came to me in tears recounting how Sarah won’t stop making crazy demands on him and he didn’t know how to make it stop, “She puts curfews on me, forbids me to be with my friends and family!” we have to agree that people who won’t let you socialize have some very serious issues (high levels of insecurity, low self-esteem, poor communication skills…list is endless.) “Even worse, nothing I do is ever good enough,” he sobbed.

As at now my friend is a very frustrated man more so because he doesn’t seem to understand the ‘love-of-his-life’… boy clearly didn’t do his homework before investing in the union.
In my search for un-warlike means to bring and keep this loving duo together once and for all I came across a very strange but common phenomena advanced by one Carl Jung, who from Freud’s theory of the Oedipus complex advanced a concept known as the Bernfield factor or the Electra complex. As documented and agreed upon by experts in Psychology; a strong and consistent male presence in a girl’s life has a significant effect on her self esteem. Feeling attractive and loved by “daddy” (or other strong male figure) can help a girl have more confidence and strength. Of course the vice-versa applies. Without that, girls may express daddy issues in seeking out father figures, or placing even very good men with whom they are in relationship, in positions that they really can’t adequately fill. Bingo!

From this profound piece of information I found the disease that was slowly eating up my friend without his knowledge or the girlfriend’s for that matter. So this chic was unknowingly dissatisfied and was seeking to fill whatever gap his father left. On impulse I was about to call my friend and say quit the relationship and find yourself a less burdened individual but then I sympathized with the chic as she too was in the dark. So, I have made a arrangements for them to see a counselor in the hope that they find themselves and hopefully resolve their issues. There are two outcomes here and I do not want to speculate the more likely one.

Are you are the girlfriend everyone seems to be avoiding? You constantly find yourself trapped in unhealthy relationships with men and cannot figure out why? Well, its time to board memory-train back into the past, critically examine your relationship with your father or the dominant male figure in your life and find out if you suffer from the Electra complex.

This month, I trust you will be able to say goodbye to relationships that are long dead or just damaged beyond repair, challenge is, can you identify one?

Hot Secrets: THE REAL DEAL ON THE ERIC-SHEBA-VALERIE LOVE TRIANGLE

2010-01-14T15:57:00.000+03:00

Hot Secrets: THE REAL DEAL ON THE ERIC-SHEBA-VALERIE LOVE TRIANGLE

2009-02-18T23:18:00.000+03:00

who is a mentor?